Watching Paint Dry, Mello and Matt Style!
by Deathly Noted
Summary: Mello and Matt watch paint dry, and I mean that quite literally.


"Matt, get your ass inside!" Mello shouted out the window of their apartment, glaring down at the gamer sitting cross-legged on the front lawn, if it could be called that; it was more like a small island in a sea of sweltering, steaming concrete. Quite possibly this was hottest day of the summer, or just the hottest day ever, yet Matt had randomly decided to repaint his car due to some half-inch scratch that Mello couldn't see even after squinting. Now his redheaded friend was staking out the front yard to guard the vehicle until its veneer was dry, record-breaking heat wave be damned. Matt didn't care about much in this world, but when it came to something he did care about he was unusually passionate, and that exhaustive list included video games, cigarettes, automobiles, and Mello. Probably Matt would die doing some stupid shit Mello put him up to as per usual, and if not that, then from lung cancer if he lived long enough or more likely from getting trampled in line for the newest PlayStation model or protecting his car from a stab-happy carjacker. It was all kind of a toss up at this point, although the latter was beginning to seem the most likely if you replaced the word carjacker with heatstroke. Pretty dumb way to die, as far as Mello was concerned. Even from three stories up, Mello could literally see the sweat dripping off Matt's body, soaking through the long sleeve shirt and jeans that he wore invariably through the seasons, probably to counterbalance Mello's penchant for scanty leather vests.

"Not yet," Matt shouted back, his goggled-covered eyes never leaving the car. "Some asshole's gonna key my car again, I know it!"

"Fine, you can die out there for all I care!" Mello yelled, slamming the window shut to prevent any more air-conditioning from fleeing the apartment. About five minutes later he was heading down the stairs carrying a bowl full of ice and a few icepacks, which he dropped unceremoniously into Matt's lap, except for two of the larger icepacks which Mello placed on his own midriff and forehead as he laid next to the gamer in the scratchy, heat-scorched grass, more brown than green. Quickly Mello realized his mistake and sat back up, as even the small patch of dirt that had pressed against the bare skin of his lower back had burned horribly. For a minute they just sat there, side-by-side, literally watching paint dry as Matt shoved his hand down his pants.

"…Did you just put an icepack on your dick?" Mello asked, staring unabashedly at Matt's crotch.

"My balls are burning up, dude," Matt groused. "Hey, don't look at me like that, you carry a freaking gun in your pants. You're going to accidentally castrate yourself someday."

"How sad for you. If that happens, you'll be a virgin forever," Mello countered, grabbing some ice cubes and dropping them down the back of Matt's shirt for lack of anything better to do. He had always enjoyed seeing people squirm uncomfortably, be it from his actions or his words or simply his presence.

"Ugh, what's that supposed to mean?" Matt said, writhing as he tried to extract the ice cubes from where they had become lodged in various corners of his clothing, but then he seemed to decide that it was not worth the effort and leaned back on his hands, sighing. "And I'm not a virgin, for your information."

"Seriously? You smell like a virgin," Mello said, referring to Matt's signature stink, consisting of cigarette smoke embedded in every fiber of his clothing and a general lack of hygiene which Mello attributed to the fact that no electronics could be brought into the shower, and god forbid Matt set down his game controller for all of five seconds. Actually it was incredibly odd to see Matt just sitting here, paying attention to something other than his PSP. If Matt performed all of his tasks with as much diligence, they would've been halfway to catching Kira by now, but apparently the only thing worthy of Matt's full and undivided attention was watching paint dry. Mello really knew how to pick 'em.

"Yeah seriously. You always underestimate my awesomeness," replied Matt, feigning wounded with his tone. His thigh brushed Mello's slightly as he shifted his balance to the right side of his body in order to take a cigarette out of the half-crushed pack in his back pocket and lodged the stick between his lips, just chewing on it idly because it was too hot to even light up.

"That's because I know you, and I know you're a total dork," was Mello's retort. "So, how drunk did you have to get her?"

"She wasn't drunk, she was just desperate! Uh, no, I mean, she thought I was sexy, a real fucking beast," Matt corrected himself. "I mean you have to admit it, I'm hot."

"Hmm," Mello seemed to consider Matt's figure, eyes widening as he cocked his head to one side. "You do look pretty hot."

"Wha?" Matt said eloquently, clearly not anticipating this response, and his face actually flickered for a second from the car to Mello, then back again.

"Ha ha, see, your face is all red," Mello pointed out, prodding at the flesh with a gloved fingertip. "That's what happens when you give yourself heatstroke."

"Cut it out, Mello. Between that and the creepy eye-raping, I really thought you were hitting on me," Matt said in distaste, rubbing his hands up and down his arms theatrically as if Mello had given him the shudders. "Actually keep doing it, the thought of fucking you is like a nice cold shower."

"Oh really?" Mello said, reaching slowly into the still unbuttoned front of Matt's jeans as Matt's body went rigid and the whole world seemed to hold its breath… Mello had this strange feeling that they were being watched, but dismissed it as his usual paranoia about Kira and finished extracting the icepack from within Matt's pants. "As I thought, it's all melted. I'm going to put this back in the freezer." Also as expected, Matt's body had gone stiff in more places than one, and Mello stood up with a smirk on his face. 3, 2, 1…

"I think the paint's dry. Yep, it's definitely dry," Matt said suddenly, rushing past Mello through the double doors that led back into the apartment complex.

Ten gratuitous minutes of 'showering' later, Matt returned outside, and even from the upper floor of the apartment building Mello could hear him scream: "WHAT THE FUCK BIRD SHIT ON MY FUCKING CAR! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, MELLO! GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"

Mello half sighed, half growled with exasperated annoyance and opened up a chocolate bar, which had melted to the point that he had to lick it out of the wrapper and off his fingers rather than being able to bite into it directly. Looks like Matt was planning on having him help repaint the god-damned car, _again_, meaning they would be spending another exciting day watching paint dry. Well, maybe it wasn't so bad, Mello thought, as long as it was with Matt.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** This was originally going to be a lot more crack-ish, but it turned out somewhat normal, didn't it? This is supposed to be a parody on how even if Mello and Matt are doing the most boring shit imaginable, even watching paint dry, somehow it is still interesting for us fangirls to write and read about just by virtue of it being Mello and Matt. (Assuming this fanfic was halfway interesting, if not I've failed epically in my intentions!) Thanks for reading, leave a review? :D


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